If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It takes a long time to understand nothing.

If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it.

I am the Roman Emperor, and am above grammar.

Television: a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

You are looking as fresh as paint.

The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Never buy shoes early in the day when your feet are their smallest.

We always love those who admire us, but we do not always love those whom we admire.

The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.

The news is the one thing the networks can point to with pride. Everything else they do is crap and they know it.

How goes the enemy?

War will cease when men refuse to fight.

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.

Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience.

There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.

The big majority of Americans, who are comparatively well off, have developed an ability to have enclaves of people living in the greatest misery without almost noticing them.