It has been a bitter mortification for me to digest the conclusion that the 'race is for the strong' and that I shall probably do little more but be content to admire the strides others made in science.

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.

Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first.

Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist.

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.

There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper.

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

Nothing succeeds like -- failure.

Reality is good for you...in small doses.

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is.