After all is said and done, more is said than done.

After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.".

After the government takes enough to balance the budget, the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.".

An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.

An agnostic lay dying. He called his weeping child to his bedside and asked her to read to him the one text that hung on his wall. It contained a summary of his life's philosophy: GOD IS NOWHERE. The little girl began to read: "G-O-D: God; I-S: is; N-O-W: now; H-E-R-E: here. God is now here," she repeated. The mistake of the child led to her father's conversion.

An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away.But . . . an onion a day keeps everyone away.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.".

An educational system isn't worth a great deal if it teaches young people how to make a living but doesn't teach them how to make a life.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."From the back of the room a voice called out, "....... so, what are the words?".

An error doesn't become a mistake until you choose to ignore it.

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky.Phychotic is the man who lives in it.And a psychiatrist collects the rent.

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!".

Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.

An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?" The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will.".