Advice: the smallest current coin.

Age--that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Calamities are of two kinds. Misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Christian: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbors.

Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

One who is in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be.

Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Destiny. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

DIPLOMACY, n. Lying in state, or the patriotic art of lying for one's country.

International arbitration may be defined as the substitution of many burning questions for a smouldering one.